


The Shape Of My Heart

by hornblowerfic_archivist



Category: Hornblower (TV), Hornblower - C. S. Forester
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-07-22
Updated: 2004-07-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 01:52:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6066175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hornblowerfic_archivist/pseuds/hornblowerfic_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hornblower/Arthurian Number 2 in Holy Tree series</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Shape Of My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Versaphile, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Hornblowerfic.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Hornblowerfic.com). Deciding that it needed to have a more long-term home, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in January 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact the e-mail address on [Hornblowerfic.com collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hornblowerfic/profile).

The Shape Of My Heart

By Corcoran

He deals the cards as a meditation  
And those he plays never suspect  
He doesn’t play for the money he wins  
He doesn’t play for the respect  
He deals the cards to find the answer  
The sacred geometry of chance  
The hidden law of probable outcome  
The numbers lead a dance

 

Sting

 

 

 

 

 

The rain had lifted for the first time in days. The streets were still wet, the breeze fresh. Archie wanted to laugh, to dance. He felt positively effervescent with delight. He glanced at Horatio, joy bubbling in his eyes. Horatio smiled at him, reflecting his companion’s happiness back at him. Archie slid his hand through his friend’s arm.

"It’s marvellous to see you so happy, Archie." Horatio had a smile in his voice as well as on his face. "It looks like you’ve found your place. I think maybe I have, too." Archie looked up at his companion, restraining the impulse to throw his arms about him.

"It’s as if everything has fallen into place and I can leave the past behind me. I can draw a line under it and start a new chapter."

Horatio looked at him for a moment with an arrested expression in his eyes. "Do you want to leave everything behind?"

"Of course not. A great many wonderful things happened as well and I’m not about to jettison those! Meeting you, for example." He grinned cheekily up at his friend who smiled back at him, pleased but embarrassed. "I wouldn’t change that for anything in the world. In fact, I’d go through it all again if it meant meeting you."

Horatio looked and felt stunned. He knew exactly what ‘through it all again’ meant and he had no idea that Archie would endure so high a price for his friendship. It grieved him that he hadn’t known. He’d always known that Archie was a true friend and, for reasons best known to himself, loved him deeply. But this? He turned to his friend, his surprise clear in his dark eyes. Archie positively glittered back at him.

"You can’t possibly mean that." He felt uncertain and hoped Archie wouldn’t take offence.

"Of course I mean it! Really, Horatio, there are times when I wonder about you. Surely you don’t doubt me?"

"N-n-no. It’s not that. It’s such a generous thing to say."

Archie looked up at him, surprised. "Only inasmuch as the truth itself is generous."

"And I really have no appropriate answer to that." He smiled a little shyly.

"Then give me an inappropriate one. I can safely promise that I won’t hit you, no matter how inappropriate you are." There was a strange undercurrent to the conversation that Horatio couldn’t quite identify. The tension between them was palpable and Archie was not about to be fobbed off with a pat answer. Perhaps he’d be prepared to wait until they were in a less public spot.

"If you will wait until we are in a less public place I swear you shall have your answer.’ His voice was quiet, little above a whisper.

Archie blinked. What on earth could Horatio have to say to him that couldn’t be said in public? He searched Horatio’s eyes for a moment.

"Of course, Horatio. I’m hungry, lets get some luncheon." He changed the subject and Horatio found he could breathe again.

Archie had eaten better meals but the wine was excellent and they’d consumed it until they were both slightly inebriated. Not drunk, precisely, but distinctly merry. Perhaps that was what attracted the attention of the footpads. Maybe it was just that there were only two of them. The gang was organised. Two loitered nearby. Two more were having an angry conversation and attracting attention, while a fifth blundered into Archie, knocking him off balance and into Horatio. By the time they’d regained their footing they found themselves being herded into an alley. Archie put his foot down and refused to be pressed and Horatio moved to guard his back.

Horatio knew that something needed to be done about this situation but there were far to many for them to fight. Maybe now was the time to try using his magic consciously? With that thought everything changed. He narrowed his eyes. He could see the possibilities, fluid around them. All the possible endings to this situation, misty, moving and changing as events overtook them. All he needed to do was to reach out and touch them. He could play the percentages and alter the situation just enough to allow them to escape their attackers. All he had to do was chose.

He held his sword in his right hand as his left moved through the possibilities, constructing the result, protecting himself and Archie. He moved one possibility aside as it passed and went after the next, catching it and moving it into place as the dice fell and possibility became past. He was aware of the fight, aware of the slash of his sword. But he was also aware that it wasn’t the sword that would win this melee, it was the arcane movements of his left hand. Possible futures passed before his eyes like ribbons rippling in the wind, chains of moments that he could link together as he chose. He realised that his sword was slowing him down so he cast it aside so that both hands could dance in the air before him. This was much faster and more accurate. As he pulled down a particular probability one of their assailants tripped and fell, knocking the sword of his companion and sending it skittering over the flagstones and out of reach.

Another snatch and a third dropped his club as Archie struck him hard with the flat of his sabre. Archie realised that Horatio was no longer fighting and stepped in front of him, protecting him. Horatio’s hands flew from possibility, to probability to certainty, to event.

The last pair broke and ran.

Archie turned him and rested a strong and extremely capable hand on his shoulder.

"I’m not sure what you were doing ‘Ratio but you certainly frightened them off!" His eyes danced and his touch casual, comfortable.

"I’m beginning to understand." Horatio’s voice was quiet as he looked down at his hands, awed by his own power.

"I would say so, yes! I could feel you doing something, feeling the energy shifting around you, even though I couldn’t see you." Then he noticed the weariness in Horatio’s face. "Are you all right?"

"I’m not sure. I think so. I must have expended a lot of energy…" He suddenly felt indecisive as if his will had suddenly been siphoned out of him.

"I think we should get you home before you collapse." He slipped his arm through Horatio’s surreptitiously supporting him. Horatio found he didn’t mind at all. Who else would he lean on?

It didn’t take them long to reach home.

Archie poured wine while Horatio collapsed in one of the wing chairs.

As he sipped the wine he started to feel a little more normal and when Archie handed him a piece of fruit from the table he realised that he was very hungry. His friend watched with satisfaction.

"I’ll go down to the kitchen and get you something to eat, shall I?"

"Please Arch, if you wouldn’t mind. I’ve just realised that I’m ravenous."

Archie smiled and left. Horatio gazed into the fire, conscious of its heat on his face.

 

Archie returned a few minutes later carrying a tray laden with samples of everything that he could find in the pantry that hadn't required cooking. There was fruit, cold meat, fresh bread, butter, cheese, wine, and a couple of servings of apple pie and cream. He set the tray on the table and then turned back to find Horatio fast asleep in his chair. He poured another glass of wine for himself. Then after grabbing a book from the shelves, he curled up in one of the remaining chairs and settled down to read until Horatio woke. He remembered how hungry and tired he'd been after the first time he'd used magic. He smiled and devoted himself to his book.

It was a couple of hours later when Horatio woke, his neck was stiff and he was uncomfortable.

"How are you feeling, Horatio, apart from sore?" Archie got to his feet and assembled a plate of food for his drowsy companion. "It's exhausting, isn't it?" He smiled and handed the plate and cutlery to Horatio.

"It is and I expect it will take some time to get used to." Archie smiled affectionately down at him. Horatio remembered their unfinished conversation that morning. It was high time he told his friend what was on his mind.

"How did you amuse yourself when I so rudely fell asleep on you?" He peered across at the book on healing magic that Archie had been reading. Then he met his friend's eyes with a curiously intense gaze. "I'm so glad you're finally coming into your own Archie. You've had to wait far too long."

Archie wasn't quite sure how to respond but he sensed that they were about to have that highly inappropriate conversation. So he decided to be completely honest.

"I don't show to advantage next to you. I possess neither your courage, nor your quick wits." He met Horatio's eyes boldly and without a trace of self-pity. "Please don't think I'm complaining or jealous. It's just a plain statement of fact."

"Archie, you are a single rank behind me and you spent two years in prison. You survived the Justinian. I've always admired your courage there." He caught Archie's incredulous gaze and decided to make himself vulnerable. "I've never told anyone this, well only one person and he's dead. After Simpson beat me up the first time I was out on deck thinking upon dark matters. Clayton came upon me indulging in my self-pity and asked me for my thoughts. I told him that I was thinking upon death." He glanced at Archie, ashamed. "He asked me who's death and I told him: my own." He saw something flash in Archie's eyes. "That damned duel was my way of committing suicide. If I won, he'd be gone. If not, I'd be dead and it wouldn't matter. That, Archie, my best of friends, was an act of sheer cowardice. And Clayton died for it. So please don't say or think that you are a coward. You endured. You survived. I can't imagine anything that would have taken greater courage. It shames me deeply that I would have taken an easy way out myself and have left you there alone. " His eyes dropped and he had no idea what to expect. Was he asking for absolution? Could he accept it even if Archie offered it?

"Horatio, the Justinian was a small piece of Hell. We were all fighting our own battles and had no energy left to do any more than support one another in the small ways we did. I expected no help from anyone so every small gesture of fellowship that people did for me was inestimably valuable. I know that each was offered at great personal risk. Simpson wanted me isolated. It was safer for him that way. He knew that it made me even more miserable and easier to control. Every time you did me a kindness or spoke a gentle word to me you attracted his attention. You were well aware of that but it didn’t stop you. You have no idea what that meant to me. I should have told you all of this long ago. It would have saved you years of unnecessary guilt. You took a great risk. I’m sure you realised that if he noticed you he could easily have started abusing you, as well as me. He once told me as much one day when I was a little too rebellious."

"So he used me as a weapon against you?" Horatio was horrified.

"Of course he did. I cared about you and he knew it. He used everything and everyone I cared about to keep me under his thumb. Not subtle, but extremely effective." Archie shrugged as if it didn’t matter. He half turned away and gazed into the fire for a moment before turning back to Horatio. In spite of the nonchalant shrug his eyes were haunted and dark with memory. Horatio hesitated, trying to decide what he could do to ease this companion’s pain. He’d learnt more about their time on the Justinian in the last five minutes than in the previous five years of their acquaintance. There was no way he was going to let this slip past him but words seemed woefully inadequate. But Archie continued.

"Even so early in our acquaintance I would have done anything in my power to protect you. He’d already ruined me and I wasn’t going to allow him to do the same to you without a fight." He looked straight into Horatio’s eyes, his own shining.

Horatio couldn’t stand it any longer. He rose from his chair and joined Archie near the fire. Gently he placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder and turned Archie to face him. Archie didn’t resist and when Horatio pulled him into his arms he came willingly, sliding his arms about Horatio’s neck as he was pulled close. Horatio gazed down at his friend, his eyes dark, glowing and intense. He waited for a moment before replying.

"Archie… he didn’t ruin you. In spite of everything he did you are still strong and brave. You may have lost your innocence but he could not deprive you of your character. You have great moral courage and I consider you wholly admirable. Don’t accept his lies." Archie seemed to relax in his embrace.

"Some day maybe I’ll believe that."

"If you aren’t ready to believe what I say, then believe this…" he bent his dark head and kissed his friend tenderly, tentatively, unsure of Archie’s response.

That response hit him like a thunderbolt. His friend surged up to meet his kiss, passionate and hungry for more. Horatio was only too happy to oblige him. Archie seemed to melt in his arms, melt into and through him and the feeling was so exquisite that Horatio felt weak at the knees. Archie made a strange sound somewhere between a croon and a sob and clung tightly, desperate for contact. It was then that Horatio started to feel the energy building in his chest. It was a warm, glowing sensation, as if the web of his nervous system was drawing energy from the air about him, multiplying it and focussing it. The light started to pool in his chest, growing stronger and brighter. He closed his eyes and tightened his arms about Archie’s shoulders. As the kiss became more and more passionate the rest of the world seemed to fall away. There was nothing left but the touch of Archie’s hands, the fresh, salty scent of him and the soft sweetness of his mouth. One of Archie’s hands found it’s way into Horatio’s hair, the other twined about his waist. The light and heat in Horatio’s chest now filled his entire body.

Horatio broke the kiss, he needed to read Archie’s face. In spite of his passionate response Horatio had to be absolutely sure that this was what his friend wanted. The eyes that gazed back at him were wide, deep enough to drown in and full of tears.

"God Horatio! I’ve loved you so much for so long…" He hid his face against Horatio’s neck. Horatio’s embrace became comforting, his aura wrapping about his companion like a warm blanket. "It’s been sheer torment being so near you and unable to tell you." Archie’s voice was rough with emotion.

"Oh Arch!" He kissed his friend’s forehead. " I loved you from the very first moment I saw you! By the time you’d shown me around the Justinian I was hopelessly lost! You were like a light to me in those dark days. And you’ve been my light ever since." Horatio's voice was husky. The tenderness he felt overwhelmed him and he pulled Archie back into his arms, holding him gently now, the most precious thing in his world.

Archie looked up at him with love and wonder in his eyes as well as tears. He touched his friend’s brow, his cheek, his chin. Each point of contact burned with a cool fire that fed the furnace within Horatio. He could feel it spilling into his aura with each gentle touch. His hands slid gently from Archie’s shoulders and cupped his face. Horatio kissed his friend’s eyes very gently, tasting the salt of his tears and feeling the smoothness of his skin against his lips. He dropped another kiss on the slightly upturned end of Archie’s nose before diving for his mouth again. Archie opened to him with the merest touch and responded with such generosity that it humbled Horatio. Such love and such trust. How could he ever deserve this? After everything Archie had suffered how could he be so generous and so fearless? He tried to put everything he had into the kiss, to show Archie how much he loved him, respected him.

I will never harm you, never give you cause for regret… He murmured, wordlessly.

How could I regret loving you? The only thing I regret is the wasted time and circumstance was responsible for that, not you. But everything’s different now. There’s no reason not to act on what my heart tells me.

Horatio simply melted and the light within him became stronger still. Magic? Love? Both? Then he became aware that the light was starting to spin, drawing itself inwards over his subtle heart. He could see it so clearly but did not understand what it meant. He decided it didn’t matter. He had never been so happy. It had never crossed his mind that Archie would return his feelings. He abandoned caution. He simply had to speak his heart.

"Love you Archie…love you" He whispered in his beloved’s ear, just in case Archie hadn’t realised.

Archie chuckled as he kissed the end of Horatio’s patrician nose. But when he looked up at Horatio his feelings were naked in his eyes and Horatio trembled at their power. The wheel of light spun faster now, brighter, more intense as it was drawn towards a single point. Archie rose on his toes and kissed his lover’s full and inviting lips and Horatio’s heart missed a beat as Archie drew him closer, hungry for more.

The light was now a single point, bright as a star and burning as hot.

Moments later it was ready to jump.

Archie sagged in Horatio’s arms as the light jumped, overwhelming him with it’s power and he lost consciousness. At least that was how Horatio saw it.

Archie floated in a warm, breathable ocean, blue and crystal clear. He could see the sun through the water above him but he felt no desire to swim to the surface. The light that had flashed and momentarily blinded him was gone. He stretched sensually and allowed his head to fall back, his hair floating away from his face as he hung suspended. This was blissful. Perfect. He breathed deeply, inhaling the warm, magical water. He felt it’s energy flow into him, through him. He felt clean and innocent. The water had washed away the darkness in his soul, the pain that had characterised his existence and the belief that he’d been stained past all hope of cleansing. He had never felt more alive, more cherished. But where was Horatio? He could feel his lover’s presence as clearly as he had in his embrace only moments before, but he couldn’t see him anywhere. The clear, sunlit water stretched out to infinity but he was the only person here. Clear water. That was significant but what did it mean?

Clearwater?

Awareness. Understanding. The ocean itself responded, cradling and caressing him. His body went limp with pleasure and he gasped, drawing more of the sustaining water into his lungs. He never wanted to leave this ecstatic state. He felt that he could lie here in the water’s embrace for eternity and wish for nothing more. Then, in a flash of inspiration, he understood. This ocean was Horatio. Clearwater was Horatio.

 

Horatio was horrified. God! What had he done? And how? He carried Archie to one of the chairs and gently lowered him into it. He checked pulse and breathing and they were perfectly normal. He let out a telepathic wail and felt Jack respond. He’d be here soon. Horatio knelt before the chair wondering what on earth to do. Nothing. Nothing at all. Just wait until Jack arrived.

He was frantic by the time Jack did arrive. He gazed up at his teacher with terror in his eyes. Jack’s touch was gentle, his manner slightly amused.

"It’s all right, Horatio. He’s not hurt, just the opposite. Bring him back to us. You need only guide him. You overwhelmed him, that’s all."

Horatio reached for Archie’s hands, not certain what Jack wanted him to do.

"Call him, Horatio. Call him with your mind, attract him back towards the physical. He’s happy and comfortable. He won’t come unless you call him."

Archie? Where are you? He called and suddenly knew what he was doing. He relaxed and sent the call echoing through his own mind. Something, someone, stirred.

Clearwater? The name resonated deep within him, leaving him ringing like a bell. He felt Archie move from that safe and protected place and move towards him.

Come back to me, Archie, Horatio beckoned. We need you. I need  
you.

It's safe here. I’ve never really felt like that before. But Archie continued to approach. And I feel... clean.

You were never anything else.

Clearwater...

What good would clear waters be without sun to sparkle on them? Carefully,  
Horatio reached out with his mind to draw Archie in. You're my light. I  
meant that, you know.

A ray of sun brushed what Horatio had no choice but to call his surface,  
dancing along a playful little wave. *You'll drag me back whether I would or  
no,* Archie replied.

I won't force you into anything, Horatio replied, a little sadly. I'll  
beg endlessly, but I couldn’t make you, even if I wanted to. That would make me no better than Simpson.

No! Nononono! You're nothing like he was! He stripped of all humanity; and you…you’re it’s embodiment.

Come with me, then! I love you.

A quiet sigh manifested itself as bubbles. I trust you. Archie opened  
himself completely to the ocean, letting himself be surrounded and dragged  
back to warmth and dryness.

 

Archie opened his eyes to find Horatio hovering over him, his hair glowing  
golden-brown at the edges, limned softly by the lamp. Gasping for breath, he  
sat up and threw his arms around his friend.

"Shhh," Horatio soothed. "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."

"Love you," whispered Archie, "more than anything, anyone, ever..."

I love you too, Horatio replied silently. We are being observed, my dear.

Jack! Oh... er, was I gone so long?

I had no idea what was happening. I sent for him, thinking I'd lost you. I  
couldn't have borne it, not so soon after we've found each other.

"What happened, Jack?" Archie asked, plaintively.

"Nothing dangerous. Disconcerting: yes, dangerous: no" He looked at them, owlishly. They both gazed back at him, wide eyed. "It often happens with inexperienced wizards. Horatio: for you it’s a question of power and controlling it. You’re capable of great depth of feeling. You also have great power. Unfortunately, you don’t have enough experience yet to be in complete control. Your feelings became intense, very focussed and they leapt back to their origin. Archie. Archie: you need to practice. Strengthen your nervous system so that Horatio can’t sweep you away like that. I know it was pleasant but there is a time and place for everything. If you stay in a normal state of consciousness there are pleasant things happening out here, too!"

Archie blinked. Had Jack just given them his blessing? He glanced at Horatio and saw his own question reflected in his eyes. Jack didn’t miss it either.

"Of course! You two are both powerful, you’ll soon have fetches. When that happens you will stop ageing. The years can be long and empty if you have nobody to share them with. The kind of love you share is not commonplace. Hold onto it. It can save both your lives. Loneliness kills wizards, not time."

They both looked at him, stunned. This was just too much to absorb. Jack decided that the best thing to do was withdraw and give them time to talk and to think.

"I’ll leave you alone now, you have a great deal to discuss. Call me if you need me. And for the time being take things slowly." He closed the door quietly and smiled to himself. All was well.

Fin.

  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.


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